National Treasure: Retold!
by Dramione Lover
Summary: This is the humorous tale that shows a different side of National Treasure. Laugh and cry...or whatever you want to do when you read this! Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hello, everyone! Okay, well I decided to write a fic about National Treasure - I was thinking about writing it in story format but it got really confusing. If you have a problem with this, tell me, okay? I hope it isn't, and before you decide why don't you read it! It will be continued--although I don't really know how long it will be. It's coming along quite quickly! This is summed up from the HUMEROUS pov, thank you very much!

I hope you enjoy

**NATIONAL TREASURE - RETOLD!**

**

* * *

Some Creepy Attic In Grandfather's House**

YOUNG BEN: -snoops and prods, eventually finding the foundation of the movie-

DUST: is removed

WEBS: are removed

ANCIENT BOOK OLDER THAN GRANDFATHER: is moved

GRANDFATHER: -sneaks up on young Ben- OMGWTF! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THAT!

YOUNG BEN --screaming like a girl--: OMG IM SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO I JUST HEARD STORIES AND I WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE!

GRANDFATHER: Oh, okay, why didn't you say so?

YOUNG BEN: Euhh, because I was never old enough so I thought it was wrong and I was going to find out for myself . . . ?

GRANDFATHER: . . . Oh what the hell, you're old enough now. Anyway, what to tell? Lets see, it goes like this: Not everything is normal here in America because there are really secret messages all over the United States that no one knows about except us Gates, who WILL eventually find this NATIONAL TREASURE if it's the last thing we do, even if your father thinks we're completely CRAZY!

FATHER --creeping in evesdropping--: Y'ALL ARE CRAZY! IT'S A BUNCH O BULL!

YOUNG BEN: I do believe in stories, I do! I do!

GRANDFATHER eyes shining: That's muh boy! Now go have fun and try not to got to prison for the rest of your life!

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**Many Years Later In The Middle Of A Snowy Desert Of NOTHINGNESS**

BEN: Are we there yet?

RILEY AKA BEN'S BEST FRIEND: Almost.

BEN: How 'bout now?

RILEY checking GPS: Nope.

BEN: Now!

RILEY: WILL YOU COOL YOUR JETS!

BEN: I'm sorry! I'm just totally completely psyched that we are about to descover this really cool ship named Charolette that holds the secret to this whole movie!

The GPS starts beeping frantically, signifying that they have reached their destination and the whole team gets out merrily, hoping and praying that Ben isn't completely one-hundred percent insane.

SOME GUY: What are we looking for again?

BEN --eye roll--: A SHIP!

SOME GUY: -looks out into a snowy desert of NOTHINGNESS- Shit, man, I don't see anything! Besides, how could a ship end up here?

SOME OTHER GUY: Dude, everyone knows that a ship could have possibly gotten here when the ice caps melted and then refroze again causing open water for a ship to be here!

BEN: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR BEEPER THINGS OUT!

Everyone holds out their metal detectors like idiots and start searching for a ship that should be hundreds of feet below the ice in a snowy desert of NOTHINGNESS! Surprisingly, Ben only wanders a few feet before his metal detector starts beeping like a madman. Then, as he is digging, we await a long time before he actually reaches anything, but the ship is merely 6 inches down covered in white fluffiness. With that seeming very corny and uneventful, he just HAPPENS to have uncovered the name "Charolette" of all places on the ship.

BEN'S EYES: gloss over in awe

EVERYONE ELSE: YOU DID IT! WOOT! HAVE A PARTY!

BEN: SHUT UP AND DIG, MAN

In a flash, the ship seems to be half dug out, allowing the crew to enter The Charolette.

CREW: -pulls out flashlights-

RILEY: -starts snooping immediately coming across a FROZEN ZOMBIE and begins screaming like a girl- OMGWTF THERE ARE ACTUALLY PPL ON THIS SHIP? AHHHH! -pants and falls over-

BEN: You handled that well.

RILEY: Aww, shit man, thanks.

BEN: -opens door that happens to lead into the right place but is filled with really weird barrels-

IAN: WTF is this? WHERE IS THE TREASURE! YOU TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE TREASURE!

BEN: Cool it, I said this would LEAD us to the treasure because the 'Secret Lies With Charolette' meaning that Charolette only COULD have held the treasure.

RILEY: He's right man, you lied.

IAN: AND YOU'RE BAD AT PLAYING CARDS!

BEN: . . .

OTHER GUYS: Can we plz get this show on the road cuz we have a lot of looking to do if there is some sort of clue in here.

SOME GUY: I wonder if that FROZEN-ZOMBIE-CAPTAIN that seems to be mysteriously holding that barrell could have it?

AUDIENCE: nahhhhhhhhhh couldn't be.

IAN: -breaks open all the barrells and licks the black powder that comes out- Hmm . . . seems to be gun powder.

RILEY: You can tell that by licking it?

IAN: Duh.

Ben ignores everyone and seeing that he is the brains of everything of course he should be the one to find the first clue, so he takes off the creepy dead fingers of the FROZEN-ZOMBIE-CAPTAIN of The Charolette and opens it up to find a pipe.

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TO BE CONTINUED . . . 

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this--I would appriciate reviews!

Review!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I am pleased to inform those of you who bother to read author notes that this story seems to be a success! Woot, have a party! I actually have almost all of this written out, I've just waited (enter month number here) to update because, well, I'm lazy? Nah, I just like to keep you all hanging on the edge of your seats long enough to almost pissyour pants. . . and then I save the day. Does it work? Maybe!

I've gotten a ton of reviews for just one chapter so far, and I wanted to tell everyone how much I really appriciate them. It truly means a lot to me to know that all of you are enjoying something that I'm enjoying to make!

I am not pleased to inform those of you who read this that I might not update for a while, once again. I might, however! I really have to re-watch National Treasure again to complete this (I don't own it), so I'll have to get my hands on that movie once again. I hope most of you are catching the small humor included in this, too. I've included a few lines from Peter Pan ("I do believe in stories, I do! I do!), and in this I believe from Pirates of the Caribbean -smiles- Have any of you noticed? Tell me in a review! Maybe I am insane, but if you notice then I'm not . . . or you are too . . . err . . . I'll let you read now. Have fun!

DICLAIMER: I DISCLAIM THIS, BUT THE IDEA.

* * *

SOME GUY: LEMME HAVE A SMOKE! 

BEN: NO! It's mine! It's a clue!

Ben seems to know what he is doing and finds some paper to place his own blood upon that he so boldly cut open and wipes it on the pipe, only to being rolling it onto the paper.

BEN: IT'S A RIDDLE!

RILEY: Oooh that's why I can't understand it!

BEN: No, you're just stupid.

RILEY: . . .

IAN: What does it mean?

BEN: isn't it obvious? This here riddle declares that there is some message that cannot be seen by the naked eye written somewhere that will be preserved forever unless someone happens to defy the government and steal it and put citric acid all over it which could cause it to degrade and hopefully we won't be punished too badly for!

IAN: THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE! WE STEEL IT!

RILEY: NO! We go to prison for ever!

BEN: He's right, man.

IAN: THEN I DO IT ALONE! I TAKE PIPE FROM YOU!

BEN: NO!

IAN: YES!

BEN: NO!

IAN: YES!

BEN: MINE, MINE, SHOO!

IAN: I SHOOT YOU!

BEN: -lights a flare- YOU SHOOT AND I DROP THIS ONTO THE GUN POWDER!

EVERYONE: -gasps-

AUDIENCE: Noooo! You'll all die!

IAN: AND WHAT IF WE STAND HERE AND TALK ABOUT TRYING TO KILL EACHOTHER SO LONG THAT THE FLARE GOES OUT, HUH? WHAT THEN, SMARTASS?

BEN: feck. I know what I'll do, I'll inconspicuously try to take you off guard and throw this shiney flare at you so hopefully fate will choose the ending so that way if it does drop it won't be my fault anyway because you're the one who dropped it!

In slow-mo the flare is flung from Ben's grasp.

RILEY: NooooooooOoOOoOOoOOoOooOoooo! -dives to the floor and covers head hoping to live-

In fast motion and with a sigh of relief from the audience Ian DOES catch the flare and holds it up in fictory laughing like a madman.

IAN: MWuahahHAHAHhahahHAHAHhahahHAHhHAHAAA!

POOF

IAN (screaming in pain from his arm that has now caught miracuously caught fire): AHHHHhHhHHhHHhhh! -slow-mo once again and the flare drops to the floor landing in non other than the gun powder-

IAN: Oh shit, now I've done it.

EVERYONE: - scramble scramble trip scramble -

IAN AND HIS TEAM: - get to the door first and locks Ben and Riley in -

BEN: Run! Quick! - stomps on floor to conveniently find hidden trap-door - Riley, buddy ol' pal ol' friend, come here! - shoves down the trapdoor - ON WE GO!

**Outside The Ship That Is About To Blow In Mere Seconds**

IAN: Quick, grab the awesome plow-through-anything-mobile-tracors and get THE HELL OUT OF HERE! LEAVE NONE BEHIND FOR BEN AND RILEY!

SHIP: - blows up -

IAN: MWuahahHAHAHhahahHAHAHhahahHAHhHAHAAA!

DEAD FROZON-ZOMBIE-CAPTAIN: QUIT BLOWIN' HOLES IN MY SHIP!

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**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed this one, too! Is it rather short? I'm sorry . . . I want to get the most chapters out of this as possible. Plus with all that I've got, which isn't that much (sadly), so hopefully I'll actually finish it.

I hope this fic has cheered some of you who are depressed feel better, and some in a mood to laugh to in fact laugh. :-) I'll talk with you all soon!

**Please Read and Review**

With love,

Zaliassa

**:-)**


	3. Chapter 3

**ENJOY!

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****Back To The Snowy Desert Of NOTHINGNESS Where Ben And Riley Have Somehow Survived The Explosion**

Riley: Wow, we like, totally survived that explosion

Ben: Course! Come with me if you want to live. - says like Arnold Swarsoiweroiherhnsjfidegger - There would be no movie without NICOLAS CAGE!

RILEY: WE'RE STUCK IN A SNOWY DESERT OF NOTHINGNESS!

BEN: Nah jus' chill there's a lil' town about 9 miles from here that I never told Ian and his crew about

RILEY: Rock.

**Some Place Back In The USA Where Ben And Riley Obviously Escaped To**

BEN - crying - : I've lost my friends!

RILEY - getting excited - : You've got me!

BEN - crying even harder - : I'VE LOST MY FRIENDS!

The audience starts to feel bad for poor Nicolas when the attention is drawn back to the main threat. DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!

RILEY: Awwwww they're SO going to prison for stealing the Declaration of Independence.

BEN: I taddle!

**Some Office In The District Of Columbia**

SECRATARY: Mr. Notgate, the Doctor will see you now.

RILEY: I'm so proud of you to get help for your mental issues - glows -

BEN: Shut up.

RILEY: Right.

**Some Little Office Where The Hot Lady Awaits**

RILEY -drooling- : Is that the doctor? SHE'S HOT!

HOT LADY: Sit down.

BEN -checking out the Hot Lady- : Nice collection

HOT LADY: Excuse me?

BEN: I said nice pin collection

HOT LADY: Oh, right, well yeah 'cept the fact that I am only missing one.

BEN: Straight to the point, I would like to see the Declaration of Independence.

HOT LADY: Pshhhh why?

BEN: You're not going to believe me.

HOT LADY: Try me.

BEN: Okay, well there is this little fact that there could be something wrong with it and it is in danger so I would like to have it first so I can win!

HOT LADY: Sounds like a treasure hunt. Don't think so.

RILEY: Yeah that's where we lost the FBI

BEN: But you have to believe me! There is something on the back of it that I must see!

HOT LADY: Don't think so and trust me that there is NOTHING on the back of the document that I could be proven wrong about later on in this movie! I won't let you see it!

BEN: That's just it! It's invisible!

THAT LINE: -is so corny-

RILEY: Yeah, that's where we lost homeland security.

NOTHING: -is funnier than that line-

**Back To Plan 1**

BEN: I steal document

RILEY: You go to prison!

BEN: Shut up and get me in.

RILEY: It's impossible!

BEN: Not if we set off the heat sensors so that way they take it way down into the cool and creepy basement where I can go and get it while there is no one looking!

RILEY: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME! YOU'LL GO TO PRISON FOR LIFE PLZ DON'T LEAVE ME YOUR MY ONLY FRIEND BECAUSE I'M REALLY STUPID AND THE ONLY REASON WHY I'M PASSING HISTORY CLASS IS BECAUSE YOU TELL ME ALL THE ANSWERS!

Audience: -gasp!- awww you'll SO go to prison!

RILEY: . . .

BEN: I don't care what you say because I am the one with the pipe here and I know all the answers to this riddle so all I have to do is find out a way to get the Declaration of Independance before Ian without getting caught! It's a sinch!

RILEY: Besides the fact that there are heat sensors beneath the 4 inch bullet proof glass that will go off if you have a high fever and will go down a bizillion feet below solid concrete when it's not on display that leads into a vault that is electronically opened as well?

BEN: Yup. Just follow my plan.

RILEY: Right.

**Some Little Office Where The Hot Lady Awaits**

SECRATARY: Ma'am, you have a present.

HOT LADY: Gimme!

The Hot Lady opens a small box from Mr. Notgate to find the pin she was missing. Eyes gloss over and the audience becomes sentimental momentarily.

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I'll be brief...REVIEW! -smiles- 


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